Have you ever taken the time to understand your emotions OR do you just do what you’ve always done?
Up until my recent PNES diagnosis, I pretty much relied heavily on feelings of happiness, joy and comfort. When I approach anything unpleasant (sadness, death, worry, fear and insecurities), I immediately replace these emotions with a positive perspective or strive to focus on the good in most situations.
I thought that I was thinking positively and finding the silver lining in life. I felt that harping on the past was just taking away from the beauty in the presence. I guess somewhere along the way, I forgot how to feel pain. As it turns out, dismissing and ignoring things that make you feel horrible is not a desired outcome. Instead, I have to learn how to identify my feelings and figure out how to validate myself.
Emotions 101…(from someone who has no fucking idea what she’s talking about)
- I assume that if I want to remain in a state of happiness, then I have to be happy…
- I have little to no tolerance for people who live in the past and get stuck in the past (This includes me)
- My belief system has always been that someone has it worse and that my worst day is someone’s best
- I do believe that life is too short to complain
- I internally cringe at people when they continue to talk about the same topic and make no effort in changing their behavior
- I don’t find comfort in crying publicly or privately
- I think about something painful…call it out…and then “I’m done” with it
- When my mom committed suicide, I felt angry and guilty…but then I just dismissed it
- Last year, I lost my grandfather who has always been like a father-figure to me. I thought about him for a few days and then I decided that I no longer want to feel that pain or loss
- My dad is my #1 hero. I never tell him how much I love him and how incredibly grateful I am for him. Instead, I call him once every six weeks to talk about how hot it is in Florida
- If my kids stress me out, I immediately remind myself how lucky I am to have healthy children and It would be so much worse if they were terminally ill or any other horrific tragedy
- My extended family (on my side) has literally gone to shit. So yeah, like everyone hates everyone
- My husband loves me like I’ve never been loved before. In fact, sometimes after a hot night, he wants to hold me and I’m like…”Yeah, no I’m good”.
- I need a place for feelings because if it’s anything abstract or something that requires a lot of work, I kind of panic.
- I guess I use humor and sarcasm as a way to deflect my pain
- I would absolutely take a magic pill if it meant that I stopped having seizures
- I let people in but it takes years and years to “LET PEOPLE IN”
- After surveying some of my closest friends, I realize that I need a replacement behavior as soon as possible
- Writing this blog is annoying the shit out of me because I feel like I’m just complaining (#4 &5 above)
- I had to get to 20 because I have a minor sprinkle of OCD
I start my first therapy session tomorrow. I’m dreading the idea of sitting down and talking about my feelings. If I could get a fast pass to the last session to be all cured of PNES and seizure free, I would take it. Unfortunatley, this is my journey whether I like it or not. So it’s time for me to get my big girl pants on and face the music. I’m optimistic that I will learn new ways to cope with my emotions and feelings. Just because I’ve been doing something one way my entire life, doesn’t mean that I can’t change.
I will always a bit off-centered but I’m going to work on being the better version of imperfection.