I forgot how to feel along the way…

Have you ever taken the time to understand your emotions OR do you just do what you’ve always done?

Up until my recent PNES diagnosis, I pretty much relied heavily on feelings of happiness, joy and comfort.  When I approach  anything unpleasant (sadness, death, worry, fear and insecurities), I immediately replace these emotions with a positive perspective or strive to focus on the good in most situations.

I thought that I was thinking positively and finding the silver lining in life.  I felt that harping on the past was just taking away from the beauty in the presence.  I guess somewhere along the way, I forgot how to feel pain.  As it turns out, dismissing and ignoring things that make you feel horrible is not a desired outcome.  Instead, I have to learn how to identify my feelings and figure out how to validate myself.

Emotions 101…(from someone who has no fucking idea what she’s talking about)

  1. I assume that if I want to remain in a state of happiness, then I have to be happy…
  2. I have little to no tolerance for people who live in the past and get stuck in the past (This includes me)
  3. My belief system has always been that someone has it worse and that my worst day is someone’s best
  4. I do believe that life is too short to complain
  5. I internally cringe at people when they continue to talk about the same topic and make no effort in changing their behavior
  6. I don’t find comfort in crying publicly or privately
  7. I think about something painful…call it out…and then “I’m done” with it
  8. When my mom committed suicide, I felt angry and guilty…but then I just dismissed it
  9. Last year, I lost my grandfather who has always been like a father-figure to me. I thought about him for a few days and then I decided that I no longer want to feel that pain or loss
  10. My dad is my #1 hero. I never tell him how much I love him and how incredibly grateful I am for him.  Instead, I call him once every six weeks to talk about how hot it is in Florida
  11. If my kids stress me out, I immediately remind myself how lucky I am to have healthy children and It would be so much worse if they were terminally ill or any other horrific tragedy
  12. My extended family (on my side) has literally gone to shit.  So yeah, like everyone hates everyone
  13. My husband loves me like I’ve never been loved before.  In fact, sometimes after a hot night, he wants to hold me and I’m like…”Yeah, no I’m good”.
  14. I need a place for feelings because if it’s anything abstract or something that requires a lot of work, I kind of panic.
  15. I guess I use humor and sarcasm as a way to deflect my pain
  16. I would absolutely take a magic pill if it meant that I stopped having seizures
  17. I let people in but it takes years and years to “LET PEOPLE IN”
  18. After surveying some of my closest friends, I realize that I need a replacement behavior as soon as possible
  19. Writing this blog is annoying the shit out of me because I feel like I’m just complaining (#4 &5 above)
  20. I had to get to 20 because I have a minor sprinkle of OCD

I start my first therapy session tomorrow.  I’m dreading the idea of sitting down and talking about my feelings.  If I could get a fast pass to the last session to be all cured of PNES and seizure free, I would take it.  Unfortunatley, this is my journey whether I like it or not. So it’s time for me to get my big girl pants on and face the music.  I’m optimistic that I will learn new ways to cope with my emotions and feelings.  Just because I’ve been doing something one way my entire life, doesn’t mean that I can’t change.

I will always a bit off-centered but I’m going to work on being the better version of imperfection.

Ressie xx

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