Do any of us know what the hell we are doing?

I’m four weeks into therapy and I think my neuropsychologist has my number.  She told me that I’ve done more work in this short period of time than any of her other clients diagnosed with PNES.  So I’m basically super-intense and the most amazing person ever.

I assume half of the problem is denial for most.  Luckily, I already know that I’m bat-shit crazy.  This morning on my daughter’s first day of first grade, I asked my husband if we should put a bag of peanuts in her school bag for her to hand out at lunch.  Although I’m totally joking and would hate to offend anyone with a peanut allergy or any other first-world problem, I cracked myself up.  This is one example of thousands of crazy warped things that go through my mind on a daily basis.  SO yes…I am aware of my idiosyncrasies.

I can’t resign myself to saying “my therapist” so I will just refer to her as “Doc”.  Doc has me taking data on my seizures, doing yoga, practicing mindfulness, deep breathing and practicing some “me” time activities.  Since I work in this field, it’s hard for me recognize any of these non-researched based strategies having any validity.

I’ve been really thinking…

What am I doing here in therapy and what is the “gold-standard” of who we are supposed to be and what we are supposed to be doing with our lives?  I know that I don’t have it all together, but who does?

I recognize that I have to change some of my behavioral tendencies in order to eliminate these seizures.   Unfortunately, I’m not sure what I am supposed to be doing other than what I’ve always done.  It was explained to me that my Central Nervous System is in overload.  I’ve spent most of my life in a fight or flight state and I also have difficulty labeling and recognizing my emotions.  I’m sure in time I will gain more strategies to utilize but right now I’m in a state of limbo.

I’ve always been one of those unusual birds.  There is a huge part of me that doesn’t want that to go away.  I guess I’m scared that I will adopt these new replacement behaviors and evolve into a normal person.  My biggest fear has always been to be normal.

So for today, I am grateful for my perspective.  I have been knocked down so many times in my life.  Even at my lowest point, I have amazing friends and family.  People who raise me up and love me unconditionally despite my shortcomings.  I’m gettin my swag back and I’m feeling stronger everyday.

The main intention for this blog is for me to take the time to identify my feelings and concerns in my own personal journey.  If I help a few people struggling through PNES, that’s great.  If I offend you…well

I love you Ressie,

Ress xx


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